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Lessons From Loss
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Hoping to channel his youngest son's energy constructively, Steve helped launch Nate's SEAL training, arranging for him to learn scuba diving from a former SEAL and taking turns with Donna driving to Connecticut once a month so that Nate could train in a program for teenage SEAL-hopefuls. Sherif Farag, another friend, used to time Nate's sit-ups and pull-ups and combat-boot-clad runs.


Nate and Ben, 1998

Often the Hardys are asked, even by their closest friends, how they could allow their youngest son to join one of the most dangerous professions in the world after already losing a son. "It was simple for us," says Steve. "As long as Nate was happy doing what he was doing and he had a passion that was worthy of passion, what else could we ask for?" Josh had taught them to follow your dreams, and if Nate's dream was chasing war criminals in Kosovo, well, that was a lot healthier than some other alternatives. In his eulogy at Nate's memorial service, Ben spoke of Nate's fascination with the ancient Spartans and their unwavering commitment to their fellow warriors. Nate, who died when a bullet pierced his aorta as he tried to evacuate his fatally wounded partner, 29-year-old Mike Koch, lived a warrior's life, said Ben, "and died a warrior's death, a good death." The two partners are buried side by side in Arlington National Cemetery. In that the family finds great comfort.

Lesson #3: Anger gets you nowhere

While the rest of the world debates the merits of the Iraq War—and Steve and Ben cheerfully admit that they used to like nothing better than to engage Nate in political debates—the Hardys recognize that Nate's world was black and white, a world of good guys and bad guys, and that Nate faced the bad guys every time he went on one of his tours—four in all. They remind themselves that long before President Bush began lobbying to remove Saddam Hussein from power, there were terrorists attacking civilians and soldiers around the globe.

It would be easy to blame the Iraq War, or the researchers who have yet to cure cancer. But anger won't return their sons, Steve says. And it won't make them feel better, says Donna. They have learned that asking why leads nowhere. "No one has an answer, so don't waste your energy," she says. "It will beat you up." This, says their friend Susie Renner, they learned from Josh.


Josh, Ben, and Nate, 1983

Josh had not complained during his illness nor wallowed in self-pity. Some of his music mixes were dark—Steve recalls one song by Dumptruck with these lyrics: "When everything you do these days leaves you with such a bitter feeling... drifting on an ocean until you die," but others were uplifting, such as Jimmy Cliff's "Sunrise," which starts with a rooster crowing.

As the cancer progressed, his friends visited less and less. Yet instead of holding a grudge, Josh said he understood. After his death, his parents found a will in which he asked each of his friends to select something of his to remember him by.

At the end he wrote: "That's about it. Just tell everyone good bye and thank you." "Seventeen years old," says his mother, still marveling.

Since anger didn't work for Josh, Steve and Donna won't let it work for them. If Josh could see past his own pain, then they, too, will focus on the light.

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