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Lesson #4: Be part of something greater than yourself

During a visit to Virginia Beach in 2007 to meet their new grandson, Nate's wife, Mindi, told her in-laws about a Bronze Star Nate had earned. "Where is it?" Steve asked Nate. "I want to take photos." Nate shrugged, admitting he had tossed the medal into his locker at work. Steve was incredulous, asking him why he didn't bring it home for his parents to see. Nate shot him a look. "Dad, I don't do this for the medals," he said. "I do it for my country and for the guys next to me."

Nate and Mindi with Parker, 2007

Steve replays this scene often, not only to remember Nate's humility, but also his commitment to a cause greater than himself. While a natural response to loss is to retreat, Steve and Donna have found more solace in action. To honor Josh, they created a scholarship for Oyster River High School students who, like Josh, find refuge in the art room. To honor Nate, they have funded awards for two Oyster River varsity athletes.

More recently, they have helped their boys' Oyster River classmates coordinate an annual civic celebration in their memory to help raise money for a local teen center. They have worked with UNH to honor veterans with the Operation Hat Trick campaign, and have attended numerous memorials and dedications in honor of the men and women who serve. Steve is deeply proud of the ministry Donna has developed for parents who have lost children. When she learns of a death, she calls or visits, offering hugs and advice. "I've been there," she says. "Maybe I can help."

While their friends fear that the constant outreach is too much, the Hardys call it giving back. The Durham community, says Donna, has been an incredible source of support, from the friends and neighbors who provided shelter, food and chauffeuring to Nate and Ben during Josh's illness, to the dozens who flew to Arlington to bury Nate, to the hundreds who attended his Durham memorial, to the army of friends who help raise money for the Oyster River scholarships by selling $1 raffle tickets. The prize is one of Donna's hand-stitched quilts.

Most impressive to those who know them is their willingness to not just hand over the awards, but also to speak publicly. They speak at every Oyster River baccalaureate, not only about their sons but also about the teenagers who are receiving the awards. Their strength, says Robin Lent, whose daughter was a classmate of the boys, is "amazing." Only occasionally do they waver. One such time was the UNH men's hockey banquet last spring. There to bestow the Nate Hardy Ironman Award to the player who excelled in conditioning, Steve learned that the 2008-'09 hockey season was dedicated to Nate. The goal was to play in the Frozen Four in Washington, D.C., where the team would visit Nate's grave at Arlington. Four seniors spoke, apologizing that they had come close (they lost to Boston University in the regionals) but not close enough. Steve cried.

Despite the tears, this kind of outreach has helped them heal, says their minister, Mary Westfall '01G, of Durham's Community Church. "They are more able to have that gracious and generous spirit," she says, "because they have allowed other people into the broken and beautiful places in their lives."

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